I want to cry because I’m sad and I hate myself and I am at a point where death isn’t even comforting but I’d rather not be alive and my brain is scattered with thoughts of suicide, I’m not even living, I just survive. I’ve been broken for forever, now, and I don’t think I’ll be fixed, I’ve tried to glue myself together with other people’s shattered pieces, I’ve tried to tear myself apart with razor blades and knives, and I still remember those nights where I’ve tried to end my life, and even though it was only three times, admitting it to my mom was enough to make her cry. There are no good or bad days, I really just exist, I never thought doing nothing would be exhausting like it is. People told me I needed a change, but I handle things like that the way someone would handle finding my remains, I’ve always wanted to just be okay one day, but once you’re completely destroyed you’ll never be the same. I guess I’m trying really really hard to function, I’m trying so hard it’s running me thin, I swear to god no matter what I can never fucking win but I can live another day and maybe make it a couple years until my eyes are red and tired and I’m filled to the brim with fears. I still can’t cry but I feel empty, and that’s the worst feeling there is.
Painless ways to kill yourself.
i. There is no painless way to kill yourself, someone, somewhere, will feel the pain.
ii. The internet says, “sleeping pills, you will fall asleep and never wake up! You won’t feel a thing!” When that is a lie, your stomach will turn to fire and your throat will fill with the taste of your own stomach acid. You will drown in your own spit. That isn’t even the worst party, it’s when your mother comes home from work. She will walk through the door, and call out your name. She will call and call and there will be no response, maybe you’re in the shower? Maybe you’re asleep? She will walk up the stairs, knock on your door to receive no answer. When she walks in she will see the lifeless body of her baby girl, lying on the floor. Her heart will stop but she will run to you with shaky knees, touching your face that is now still and cold. Her body will be on fire, and her throat will begin to tighten, the sharp pains in her chest will feel like knives in the heart. That image will kill her more than her own death, it will haunt her living years each night. She will no longer be alive, but just as dead as you are now.
iii. Years ago, your father showed you the gun safe he kept in the house in case of emergencies, you knew the pass code, you knew how to shoot and loud, at least you had an idea. They say a bullet to the brain will do the job.. So one night, when your father is fast asleep, you will be down the hallway staring down the mouth of a gun.
One, two, three..
Your father’s heart will jump and his body will follow, the first thing he thinks of is you. He will scream your name and run down the hallway and bang on your door. It’s locked. His knees begin to feel weak as he bruises his body trying to knock down the door, the first sight he see’s in blood splattered on the wall. At that moment his breath began to stop, and his eyes wandered to yours. Still open, but no more life inside your shell. He will drop to his hands and knees and scream why, why, why. There will never be a day he won’t hate himself, for keeping a gun in the house, for not making you happy, for not knowing. He will live a life without a son, live a life with an empty space. Live a life of hurt, and hatred for himself.
iv. You may think that when you’re dead and gone you will not be hurting anyone. You may think when you slide a blade across your wrist, you’re only hurting yourself. Yet I have learned that is not true, it’s not. The person who will find your body, the one who see’s the cuts, their chest will feel tight and they will feel like it was their fault for letting it get this far. The only mark you will be leaving on them is pain, hurt, and the question why? So please note this, there is pain in every suicide attempt, every death, every cut. You are not only hurting your life, but others too. Because you are cared for.
The reason why the room was pink was because on black and white film, hues of red become dark shades of black. Pink is the perfect balance to give it that dark creepy grey.
A related fun fact: while old black and white film was under-sensitive to reds, it was correspondingly over-sensitive to greens. Actors whose characters were meant to have unnaturally pale complexions - like Morticia Addams - would often take advantage of this by wearing makeup with a green base tint in order to make their faces “pop”. This is where the modern trope of cartoon vampires having green skin comes from.
These are some fun fucking facts
I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m busy cutting open Fruit Gushers and squeezing all of the goo into a glass so I can take a shot of it because that has always been a dream of mine and now that I’m an adult with a job, I finally have the means to make it a reality. Please leave your name and number after the beep.